Weekly update
I’m going to try to update this blog about once a week as long as I’m not in school, so here goes.
This last week has been a pretty wild rollercoaster of emotions. not for any particular big reasons, just all of the little things that wear a person down. I’ve been thinking about where I want to end up in a year, 3 years, or even 10 years… and what I want to do isn’t lining up with my admittedly pessimistic/realistic view of where I think I can be financially. This fact has been really making me angry at the world, and I wish it wasn’t so. I want to be finished with my Associate’s degree by next summer, but that is definitely not going to happen if I have to go to work full time, and if I don’t do that, I’ll be crushed by the weight of my bills. I have a car in my name that my parents use, but are almost behind on the payment, and I have no way to pay the payment either. I don’t want to be an ass, but if they don’t pay it soon, I’m going to have to sell it just to get that loan out of my name. I have a bit of credit card debt, probably around 1500.00, and I owe 600/month for rent, out of a 20-hour a week job. plus living expenses. I’ve started to apply to full-time construction work, but I’m afraid my current job will hold me back until I quit it because of availability issues and the inherent inflexibility of construction work. I don’t really feel qualified enough to get any other jobs, however. *sigh*.
On top of the job issues, there are other things as well. I’ve been feeling extremely lonely and distant, the only people I ever talk to are usually through the computer. I want to have friends, but I’m not sure I have or am willing to expend the energy necessary to get them. And most of the energy drain comes from the financial issues mentioned above. Sometimes I just feel completely impotent, fighting against the world as it slowly smothers me. What does it take to be happy out here in the world? People say money is irrelevant, but I’m not finding that to be the case. Others will say to live in the moment, but I hate to pay consequences later. I feel like I’m stuck between now and 6 months into the future, with no way to resolve the issues. I don’t think I’m ready to take on the world, and yet I’m expected to. It’s all I can do not to turn into a 5 year old and scream about how life isn’t fair.
It isn’t all bad, though. I have been putting out resumes, even though I do it reluctantly, I really don’t want to do full time work. I’ve got a response on one, hopefully I’ll get a better paying job soon. Maybe one day I’ll be able to take care of myself. For now, I just want my mommy.
Rant and Update
Sorry for not posting in like, a year or something, but I’ve been busy with life and stuff and haven’t found the push to write until today.
I just want to kind of rant about some stuff and ask a few questions of the world at large. I was sitting at Wendy’s a few minutes ago, just thinking, and lately, financial stuff has been a big issue for me. I came to the realization that none of my friends that are around my same age are financially stable in the sense that they could take care of themselves. Most live with their parents, or if not, live from check to check. I decided not to take college classes this summer, and I wonder if I may have made a mistake because I won’t have access to school funding and loans, which will most likely come to bite me in the ass later anyway. I’m a twenty-something, left what is basically a religious cult 2 years and one month ago, and I’ve been struggling financially ever since. I realize this is not unique, but I just wonder at times if I’ll actually be able to make something out of myself in this world? The odds are stacked so high, I often wonder if it’s even worth trying, or if I should just drop out of school, go back into construction where I know I can make a decent paycheck, and be happy with what I can get. I’m tired of struggling, and it’s even harder with no real parental support. I don’t want to sound like a tool, but I sometimes wish I could still be coddled. as it is now, I have so little motivation to do anything, I end up sitting in my room waiting for something to happen. It’s kind of a pathetic existence, but I don’t really feel like I can change much about it. Plateaus in life are the worst.
In other news, a belated Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there. I talked to my mother on Friday, and actually had a nice conversation with me. She said that she knew that I love her, which really makes me feel good about that. I’ve completed 5 semesters of college, with only 2 or possibly 3 to go, looking forward to getting my Associate’s next year sometime. I’ve decided to take this summer off to kind of recuperate and gather my thoughts, though. The last math class I took was pretty shaky, and I may have to re-take it. I’ve got big plans, I just hope to be able to bring them to some kind of fruition. until next time!
Online Friends
One of the things that helped me in my decision to leave was the fact that I had my own internet connection and could read news, blogs and find out what was really going on. But possibly more importantly, it allowed me to communicate with other, more “normal” people of my age group. When I left the FLDS, I left to go to a meetup in Boston with some of my online friends at an anime (Japanese cartoons) convention. So online interaction is a very large part of my social life. Here’s a sample of me talking to one of my friends about cults. I’ve known Axl4002 for about 2 1/2 years and he was there in Boston when I went to the meetup. UD is a fellow SLC dweller and former LDS. Without further adieu:
[21:09] yehaaa6 :D
[21:09] yehaaa6 I am listening to the Lord’s Prayer in German
[21:09] Axl4002 As everyone should.
[21:09] Axl4002 For all the wrong reasons. :V
[21:09] Axl4002 OR ALL THE RIGHT ONES ?
[21:09] yehaaa6 for all the right reasons
[21:10] yehaaa6 aw yeah
[21:10] Axl4002 Good idea, which song was that again in Das Testament ?
[21:10] UD Vater Unser
[21:10] UD First one
[21:10] yehaaa6 yes.
[21:10] Axl4002 Coolz.
[21:11] Axl4002 If we all listen to it at the same time, does that make us a cult ?
[21:11] Axl4002 That might be cool.
[21:12] yehaaa6 I’ve been in a cult, it’s not really cool.
[21:12] UD I was in the second string of a cult.
[21:12] UD It’s the opposite of cool.
[21:12] Axl4002 What, why wasn’t I invited to either ?
[21:12] Axl4002 You guys suck.
[21:12] UD You wouldn’t have wanted in :<
[21:12] UD Trust me
[21:12] Axl4002 I just wanna be a part of things ;-;
[21:13] yehaaa6 Axl, wanna go down to my hometown and try to get in?
[21:13] yehaaa6 we could raise hell.
[21:13] Axl4002 Okay !
[21:13] yehaaa6 it would be hilarious.
[21:13] Axl4002 Hi I’m Axl sup
[21:14] yehaaa6 oh, but you’d have to cut your hair, wear long sleeved underwear and long sleeved clothing. and do everything the person above you told you to do.
[21:14] Axl4002 Can I be above myself ?
[21:14] yehaaa6 no.
[21:15] Axl4002 But I had a dream that told me I was cool beans.
[21:15] Axl4002 It’s gotta be true, Jesus said so himself.
[21:15] Axl4002 Would Jesus lie ?!
[21:15] yehaaa6 only one man on the earth at a time can have dreams like this.
[21:15] Axl4002 Me ? :V
[21:15] yehaaa6 you need to rid yourself of the evil spirit.
[21:15] yehaaa6 no, not you.
[21:16] Axl4002 Why not :<
[21:16] yehaaa6 because that’s not how it works.
[21:16] yehaaa6 don’t question. that’s another rule.
[21:17] Axl4002 Oh okay. One last question o: If I kill the guy who’s dreaming, do I become him ? What’s the general rule on that ?
[21:17] Axl4002 Is that a no no ?
[21:17] yehaaa6 murder is a no no. oh and suicide.
[21:17] Axl4002 Also what if the guy dreaming is in a dream, but he doesn’t realize it, do we make a movie based off of it ? I think people have done that though.
[21:18] Axl4002 Is polygamy cool ?
[21:18] yehaaa6 yeah that one’s been done. but you shouldn’t know that anyway, you’re not supposed to watch movies.
[21:18] yehaaa6 only if it’s appointed by the one man
[21:18] Axl4002 Dude I am so in.
[21:18] yehaaa6 One Man*
[21:18] Axl4002 Oh wow he gets caps too :V
[21:18] yehaaa6 oh but you don’t get to choose your wives.
[21:18] Axl4002 Are they generally hot ? And can I veto some of them if they’re ugly ?
[21:18] Axl4002 These are my questions.
[21:18] yehaaa6 and you have to be a real cocksucker in order to get more wives. you have no veto power.
[21:18] Axl4002 Shiiiit.
[21:19] Axl4002 I am so in.
[21:19] Axl4002 >V
[21:19] UD You dudes are breaking my brain
[21:19] yehaaa6 lol you’re a dumbass.
[21:19] Axl4002 This has been 20 questions with Axl. Tune in next time.
[21:20] yehaaa6 :3
Questions
One of the things that I’ve really learned since I have left the FLDS is that it’s alright to ask questions. While I was in the FLDS, we were often told not to question anything that we were taught, and to put any questions we might have, “on the shelf”. I wrote this letter approximately a year before I left, but I didn’t give it to my father until I actually did leave. This was basically my “shelf”.
To Father:
I am going to try to give you my honest opinions, so please hear me out. I don’t really know how to say this, but I am sorry for all the trouble I have caused you. I am also going to say that I really don’t know where to start… there’s so much. I appreciate and love you, probably more than I understand. I really enjoy working with you. However, I cannot fully agree with everything you say. I don’t want this taken the wrong way. I just wonder, what is right and wrong? Who defines it? I have a sense of right and wrong, and of justice, but being told what’s right and wrong sometimes goes against my grain. I don’t want to be a robot. I want to express my feelings to the fullest, repressing nothing. I want to laugh, cry, and sometimes be left alone. I don’t know how you define free speech, but what is freedom anyway? Is it the right to be told what to do by someone over you? Or is it the right to decide for yourself? If it’s the right to decide for yourself, why do we have to deal with people always trying to define us? I want to define myself; that is what I want. I don’t want to be defined by someone else. That is not freedom. I don’t know how to express myself very well, and I’m sorry for that. So please…. Don’t reject me. I love you, but I also want to be able to spread my wings, and find out for myself who I am. I really don’t know. When I was small, I would do things, just because people said that’s what I was supposed to do. Now I try to be open minded and decide for myself. Maybe it’s seen as rebellion, maybe that’s what it is, I don’t know. I just know, that I have my own will and ideals, and that I do not like being defined by others, which is what I feel I have done all my life, just been a sheep, one who follows without question. I have started to question everything. So maybe I’m just screwed up in the head, I don’t know. But if I don’t question things, how will I know what is right? And that brings us back to what IS right? What IS wrong? Is it something somebody says? Who is to say? It can be totally subjective to the person deciding. What is right to one person may be wrong to another. I don’t know. I am tired of defining myself off of other’s beliefs, tired of being put in a box. Maybe I’m just a proud, arrogant, and lazy kid, but I try to not be. I know that I do my best in the things that matter most to me. Maybe spiritual things have never been important to me. I only see things as they are. Some of the things that are going on really make me wonder, who is the wrong? What is wrong? I don’t think it’s right for the “gentiles” to try to define “us”, but I also think that people are a little narrow minded. “They” are people too. Not something that can be defined. I do not want to redefine myself just because someone says I am wrong. I suppose I am proud, but at least I know some things that I want.
I just don’t know how to express this. I really don’t want to just throw my relations with my family and friends away, but I don’t feel welcome here. I just feel like there is better ways to do some things. I want to prove myself to myself. Why does it have to be so absolute? Is there no other way? Why? Isn’t that a bit intolerant? I love you, I really do. And I love mother and everyone else too. But I’m sick of feeling like I’m held down. Every time I think about expressing my honest opinions, I can’t, because someone would take offense over it. That is why I think I care too much about what others think about me. I have been trying to please everyone, to be a perfect little angel, and I’m not. I don’t really know what I am. Maybe I am too proud to be here. I hope someday I can prove to you that I love you. But if all you want to do is send me away, I’ll go. Just help me find a place to stay, I have no money. There’s just too much that I can’t explain going on here. I don’t want to handle the pressure any more. I feel bottled up, trying to be something I’m not. So, I’ll go. Maybe it’s the biggest mistake of my life, but I feel I can do more for you out there than I can here. I don’t want to become a person who just does what everyone tells him to do. I want to become my own man. Maybe I’m stupid. I just don’t like how the church completely refuses to acknowledge some things exist. I don’t like the secrecy. Something just feels weird about some of the things that have happened. I don’t know how to explain it, but I just don’t feel right about it. I’m sorry I wasted your time.
Respectfully,
[yehaaa6]
Odds and Ends 9/18/2011
Just a few thoughts that have been tumbling around in my head over the last week or so.
First of all, I’m amazed and humbled by the amount of support that I received from my last post, thank you all so much for looking at my blog and commenting on it. I really appreciate it.
Secondly, I was going to try to write up a nice post about “waking up” to the world, and I most likely will soon, I’ve just been trying to get myself into the writing mood, and with work this weekend it hasn’t been easy. Life comes at you fast sometimes.
Thirdly, I added my Twitter account to the sidebar. I hope you can handle a few cuss words.
What I will write about though, are some other developments that have been happening recently, that I think you can all appreciate. As some of you may know, many families within the FLDS shun their children once they leave the FLDS lifestyle, and mine were no exception at first. I still don’t have as close a bond to them as I’d like, but I was able to call them about a month after I left and talk to them, and I had only been calling about 2-3 times a month, because they won’t call me. They’re told not to actively seek out “apostates,” a category which I fall under. So I won’t have them calling me up in the middle of the night to talk about the deepest things in life, or to talk about the days events even, but if I call them, I’ve found them to be fairly open to talking.
As I was on the phone with my mother yesterday, I had a bit of an “ah-hah” moment. We were talking about my roommates and how she was doing with homeschooling my siblings and a few other various things, and I realized that I had never really talked religion and religious doctrine with my family that much, even before I left. That was something reserved for at home with “family class” sermon reading and Sunday. I feel strangely… liberated by this realization. That when religion is not in the picture, my family will accept me, and talk to me as if it’s the same, as if I’m their son. I realized that people are people, and that the “Priesthood” hasn’t completely overcome my parents’ sense of family. Of course on the flipside, I don’t dare bring up the deep religious and philosophical discussions, because we see so much differently on these subjects. And I really don’t want to disturb this dissonant “understanding” that I have with my family right now. It’s another one of those bittersweet feelings. I do hope to be able to talk about literally anything with my parents at some point, but for now, that is not the case. Time is a great healer, however, and if my family keeps staying close to what they are now, I will have my chance.
Another thing that’s been happening for me, is the reuniting with my extended family. I’ve met up with some of my cousins, one of which I hadn’t seen in six years prior, and talked about life, love and various other things. It’s interesting to see how things change, and how fast people can grow up or mature under that kind of pressure, having to figure out decades of life in a few short years. That’s perhaps one of the biggest challenges of having a sheltered childhood. I wouldn’t trade my parents for anyone else though. I feel they’ve done the very best with what they had and knew. It’s now up to me to try to help them see more of what is out there. I look forward to that challenge with a mix of eagerness, excitement, and anxiety. Time to truly find out what family is.
Anyway, kind of a ramble there at the end, but lots of good stuff has been happening, I’ll try to have a better and more thought out post for next time, but until then, see you around!
Profile of a “Lost Boy”
Now, as a person who might be considered a “lost boy”, I somewhat resent the term, but it’s what a lot of people know the young men who leave the FLDS as, so I guess we’re kind of stuck with it. This profile is from multiple conversations between myself and a counselor, and it gives a good glimpse into the thinking of some of the young people leaving the FLDS now, and in particularly, myself. An aside, my name is not John, the names have been changed to protect the guilty and/or innocent.
PROFILE OF A LOST BOY:
John left the FLDS community about a year ago. He described his journey which was heightened when his prophet, Warren Jeffs, was taken into custody. “The leaders started clamping down on not reading the newspapers. They didn’t want the internet to be used unless it was for business. I was a computer nerd and I couldn’t do without it. We were supposed to only listen to church approved music. They didn’t want us on Facebook, talking with apostates. I basically had given up on the whole religious thing. It wasn’t the teachings. It was the control. They didn’t want you to have sideburns. Everything they did was to make us feel fear. They would say, ‘Warren’s in jail because you don’t have enough faith.’ I finally said that I don’t care what happened and became apathetic. I finally got the courage to leave. I wanted to make something of myself in leaving.”
John reported that he had wanted to go to college, but only went to 10th grade. He described that he went to public schools until the 5th grade and then went to “the Priesthood Schools in Colorado City” until the 10th grade. “Those who didn’t go on to high school, struggled with math. “ After that he said that he worked framing houses and doing plumbing. John talked about some of his earlier work experiences. “I used to pull 16 hour days, so I don’t like to work now. Lyle (Jeffs) would say, ‘We need to find joy in our work.’ If you slacked off for 5 minutes, you’d get yelled at. He’d never give our checks on time. ” John admitted that his passion for working hard had been diminished by the years of little rewards and sometimes not even being paid. “I feel accountable to someone but I don’t know who. Down there they always preach about giving. Perfection is a big deal. I’m scared of screwing up. I feel like I’ll get into trouble. Right now, I’m still building my identity.”
John discussed how odd mainstream culture (i.e., football, hip hop, holidays, and movie humor) seemed to him after leaving Colorado City. “Random pop culture talk makes me feel uncomfortable. Some of the reasons I don’t like stuff is because I don’t know about it. Here I’m an outsider. I feel awkward like I didn’t know what I am supposed to be doing. It’s hard to relate to some things here—football, sports, the Jazz, macs, music. I heard that the Super Bowl was the best day of the year. I heard so much about the Super Bowl that I wanted to punch the wall. I don’t care about it. I’m not used to watching t.v. I have no reason to turn on the t.v.—that only show constant CIS shows and reality shows. I’m paranoid that the world will end. I don’t get Christmas still. I don’t feel the need for it. It seems like an unnecessary expense. The excess bothered me.” John described how angry he’s felt during Spring Break when all of his classmates and friends were busy having experiences and he was home alone in his basement room. “I was mad that I didn’t have any money. I was jealous of everybody else who had a family environment. I wish I had someone who could take some serious time. It was a lonely day. Holidays are bad and annoying because I don’t know what kind of a connection I’m supposed to have. I miss my siblings. I’ve been lonely. I miss my parents. It’s been 8 months since I’ve seen them. They won’t call me, but they’ll talk to me if I call.”
John described that he struggles the most, in mainstream culture, with social skills and problem solving. “I don’t know societal boundaries. I wish I could express my feelings better. Down there (in Colorado City) you don’t use the emotionality a lot. I don’t get some humor here. I don’t know anyone here. Talking to people in general is difficult. I wish I could let loose. I dislike feeling awkward. I’m distant in a group. It’s hard for me to find people who have similar interests. Nobody knows anything I like. Inside I think I should be perfect. It keeps me from doing a lot of things. I don’t want to bother people like if they’re talking. I don’t know how to initiate and maintain a conversation. I don’t want to just talk about me. I wait for the perfect time because I don’t want to mess up. I don’t dare call because I don’t want to bother them. I don’t have a right to interrupt them. I’m afraid of not making the right decision. I’m scared of being judged and I can’t defend myself. It’s hard for me to say other people’s names. I don’t want to get too personal. A lot of the relationships down there (in Colorado City) aren’t personal. Everybody keeps their distance. “ John described how challenging it is to especially talk to girls. “I’m terrible at talking to girls. I don’t have the familiarity with how to be with girls. Warren taught that we should respect girls like snakes. Down there (Colorado City) the women have to do what they’re told. It’s hard to have conversations with girls. You get a warped view of them. You’re supposed to be super respectful—idealized.”
John summarized his needs, “For most of my life, I’ve let things happen to me. Free falling (with personal choice and direction) is not easy. I wonder what they (the community) will think? It scares me—the conflict. There’s no playbook here. Independence is rough on you. You need someone to ground you—to talk to. Sometimes I feel jealous of those who get to be in a family situation to learn all that. I only feel 16 years old and it’s kind of lonely.” John discussed what the ideal situation for interacting with a mentor family would be: friendly, where everyone is equal, some commonalities, able to study with them and have family dinner.“
These were thoughts that I had in conversations with a counselor, and it’s been amazing to have someone to talk to about everything. Helps me to see where I am and where I want to go in life. Even my thoughts on some of what’s in this profile has changed. Having this time to define myself has been amazing. I hope that others from the communities, especially my family can see how I’ve done someday and be proud of me, and feel like they can do something amazing with their lives as well.
Another thing, a lot of this is the dark side of leaving the FLDS. so many amazing things have happened since I left, I hope to tell more about them in time.
Ask me questions!
So, I have a minute to come up for air, and I’m just wondering who my audience is and what they want to know about me or the FLDS, so ask some questions in the comments, and maybe I’ll write about them!
First True “Blog Post”
Alright, here is my first attempt at an actual researched blog post, I did this for my English 1010 class in college. Some of you probably know a lot of this information already, but it is what it is. Without further adieu:
As a former FLDS member, I’ve often wondered how much different my life would have been if I had a different leadership structure in my life. When I was young, we were told to always do what the “priesthood head” over us told us to do. In my case, that person was my father, but he reported to our “prophet,” Warren Jeffs, who we believed was God’s servant and messenger to us on the earth, delivering revelations directly from the Lord to His people. Today, as I try to search my personal values and find out where I really stand, I have found that the power structure in the FLDS community has a much larger impact on the people there than it might seem.
The FLDS church, or “Fundamentalist Latter-Day Saints” as it is called, is a small religious sect with communities in Hildale, Utah and Colorado City, Arizona Collectively, these two towns are called, “Short Creek” or even just, “the Crick” by residents. This is my hometown. There are approximately 10,000 people in these two towns alone. The FLDS is an offshoot of the main LDS or “Mormon” church, claiming to follow the true beliefs of Joseph Smith, the first Mormon “Prophet”. Among these beliefs is Polygamy, or “Plural Marriage”, the marriage of one man to many wives, determined according to his “worthiness”.
The “worthiness” factor in the FLDS is determined by the “prophet”, a man who the people believe to recieve revelation directly from God. This easily leads to an abuse of power on the part of the “prophet”. Having the ability to decide who marries whom, dating is prohibited, is only the beginning of his power over the people. He decides virtually every aspect of their daily lives, telling them what they can and cannot eat, what to wear, even disallowing certain music.
There are other Fundamentalist Mormon sects, and not all are quite as harsh as the FLDS under Warren Jeffs. Many others use a “council” instead of a single man as their governing body. And many other sects allow courtship and dating, rather than strict enforced marriage.
In general, most Fundamentalist Mormons try to stay out of the spotlight, preferring to keep their lives as “under the radar” as possible. This secrecy started by the fact that polygamy is illegal in the United States, but in some cases has become much more. In the FLDS, a person could be excommunicated and ostracized for talking about what was going on in church to “apostates”, those who have left the church, and “gentiles”, those outside the church. The secrecy has also led to the abuse and mistreatment of the people under the rule of the FLDS.
But in some cases, Fundamentalist Mormons’ lives reach the national spotlight. On television, there is the fictional show Big Love which depicts a polygamist Mormon family, and much of the show’s plot was borrowed from real life events. Also on television is the reality TV show Sister Wives featuring polygamist Kody Brown and his wives. While an unusual approach, Kody and his family hope to shed some light on what they feel is a benign “alternative lifestyle”. Is it truly so benign? I, for one, can only wonder.
Another part of Fundamentalist Mormon culture that’s seeing major coverage right now started as a raid on a Texas “compound” or community. In 2008, Texas officials raided a ranch near El Dorado, Texas, on what was later determined to be a hoax phone call. The caller claimed to be a 16-year old girl who was being abused. When authorities entered the ranch, they found many underage girls with children, but none by the name they were given. They returned with a search warrant and raided the compound. The details and constitutionality of that raid are still being debated in court. Speaking of in court, after the raid, where literally tons of evidence were seized, several men were indicted on child sex charges, and where currently the leader, Warren Jeffs himself is on trial. His trial started on the 25th and is ongoing.
Even with as much exposure as the sects themselves are getting, many people inside the communities know very little about the outside world. This is because once again, the leaders control everything they see. Many people have been banned from reading the news and using the internet, for fear of losing their eternal salvation and being ostracized. Another reason is because of the people’s fear of the outside world, which has been taught to them for generations.
There are organizations to help those in Fundamentalist Mormon sects and communities, but many only help those who have left the groups, as helping those still inside the groups can be very difficult. Due to the secretive and distrustful nature of many people in FLDS and other polygamist communities, many organizations wait for those who are leaving to actually leave the communities before feeling able to help. The Utah and Arizona Attorney General’s offices have composed The Primer, to aid those who are in a provider position to better understand those leaving a polygamist community.
In closing, I think that changing the power structure of a polygamist sect would help to alleviate many of the problems that are found within these communities. How to do that? I think that education of the women and young people is where it has to start. The problem lies in the fact that the men over the people wouldn’t allow it. They know where their power comes from. I’m glad that there has been a lot more exposure recently on this kind of activity, it has helped me to see where I’m coming from, and what I may still have to deal with.
Letter from Home
So today I received a letter from my mother. I thought I’d share it here. it’s been a little over a year since I left the FLDS, and here is what my mother has to say to me:
May 9, 2011 Dear [yehaaa6], I’ve been thinking about you quite a lot lately. Maybe it’s just part of the grieving process I have to go through as your mother. I see the blessings you have left with us and my heart yearns for you to come back. I do hope you will consider me one of your friends because I believe family to be the best of friends. You told me today you never really had any friends you could go and do things with while you were here. I want to apologize for not making our home a better environment for better feelings. But even with all of the fault we have I still consider what I have to be a lot better than what a lot of people in the world have. These family connections and ties we have are far more real and genuine than any I can think of elsewhere. I’m not saying there are not good people out there but for the most part they are very rare. People may seem to be your friends and even do a lot of good for you but soon they tire of you or become familiar with your habits and ways and you are treated differently. I guess I’m just rattling on I really just want you to know where there is life there is hope if you choose the better way. But it is a choice what we do with our lives. I really wanted to reach out and help you but my hands are tied. I love you and miss your good nature but I can’t accept the evil ways and immorality in you. If you choose to set it aside and change for the better you could have a chance perhaps of coming back here and being a part of family but it would have to come through the right door. You know that my love is unconditional for you if there was some way to help you with food and clothing I would never turn you away unless you turn traitor to your own family. I don’t feel like you have but if you listen to apostates and the news you most likely will. I have kept my prayers for you ascending to our Heavenly Father so you know that I love you very much and He truly does love all of his children he yearns for all to turn to Him. May your heart be touched to seek Him out fervently and no longer turn away from Him. He is a loving Heavenly Father He does hear and answer prayers. Pray unto the father with all the energy of heart that ye may be filled with this love “(Moroni Ch 7) that true love is Charity the pure love of Christ which we are all seeking to become like. This is my prayer and desire for you. Love always, MotherLetters like these break my heart, and make me wish I could really tell the people in Short Creek the truth, but I know they’d never listen to me. It frustrates me, but it’s also interesting to notice how “unconditional” the love is there. I really wish there was more I could do, but all I feel I can do at this point is to keep myself in my family’s good graces by not being too overt in my speaking about my life there. It’s very hard trying to deal with it in a non-offensive manner, because anything I might say against the Prophet or whatever, will be taken as “turning traitor” and they’ll make it very hard to communicate with them. Well, I still am planning on putting more up here, but here’s this bit for you tonight.
Some days….
So Friday I thought I’d be able to go down to the Crick to see my family. I guess it wasn’t to be. I was promised a ride down there, but was having a bit of a problem finding a place to stay. When I was asked about it today, I said that my plans for lodging had “fallen apart.” It seems this was the wrong thing to write in my text message, as when I did finally figure it out, he had apparently left. I texted for 4 hours every half hour, but didn’t actually find out I’d been left until I saw him “check in” on facebook, at a location in Hurricane, UT. Not really funny. it ruined my day something fierce, besides all the anxious waiting. I raged at my friends while playing online games, and when I finally stopped ruining everyone’s fun, I turned up some old Linkin Park and almost started crying to myself. Thankfully I called my mom and dad the next day, and felt better, but dammit, being promised something and then being let down like that, really sucks. Guess I’ll have to find more trustworthy people to give me rides and let me stay at their places. or something, haha.
That is probably a horrible first post, but I had to start somewhere. Anyway, welcome to my blog!
